Dreaming of You : Greatest Women of My Life

I rarely have a dream of mak since she passed away, sometimes I feel maybe mak was angry with me or disappointed with me and she doesn't want to see me even in dreams.

 

I started dreaming of her when I enter the 5th month of my pregnancies, in most of my dream, I dream her with my dad.. they are happy talking to each other like they always does...

 

But last night, the dream was a bit different. In that dream, I was back to my house, as I open the door of my mak room, I saw her laying on her bed, immediately she ask me if I could bring her to a vacation, and I say yes. The next thing I remember, I am driving her around with my car and I saw her smiles again, the smiles that I longed for. The moment I try to talk to her, the dream stop and I realize that was only a dream. It feels so real as if she is still with me, the desperation of wanting her to be around, sharing with her every bits of my daily life, hearing a view of life giving me such a heartache. I ended up crying myself to bed that night and when Paul call from his workplace, I told him all about the dream, and he said the most comforting words for me at these time "Honey, you basically giving her The Mother's Day Gift". I smiled at that thought. Indeed. I miss you so much, Mak. Happy Mothers Day, Mak. My Superwoman.

 

 

The Wedding:The Planning

This post should have been long posted, but I guess I am too busy preparing and arranging my wedding until I don't even have the time to have enough sleep until my Big Day ( So much of "maw urus sendiri" kan)...LOL.

Episode 1 : Picking The Date!

So, the first thing we do is to confirmed the wedding date...since both of us born in August, we decided to choose 18th August (which is my birth date..hehe) .. Apparently the date falls on the last day of Ramadhan, well in this case most of our Moslem family and friends wouldn't be able to join our celebration...Again, We are back to square one. After a lots of eenie meenie mynie moo.. we finally pick the date that is best suits our working timetable..especially him & the date is 20th October 2012 (Both of us love even numbers, so we think this is the best date that describe both of us).

Episode 2 : The Venue! 

Done with the date picking, pheww! Trust me bride-to-be..picking the date could be even trickier when it comes to your own wedding. Okay, as for the venue, it has been long decided that we will be having the bride wedding party the same day as our church wedding, as well as the venue which is KDCA (Kadazan-Dusun Cultural Association Hall), ehe! The hall is big enough and it has good facilities especially its sound system and lighting which could enhance the decorations you've set for your wedding. The downside of picking this one is we have to book the place at least one year before the wedding, since I really want this venue, we ended up booking the place almost one year and a half before the date!! ;-p

It is easier when it comes to pick for the groom's side, we have decided to it at his house since their house has a big compound suitable for the theme we set for the groom's side. :-)

Episode 3 : The Checklist!

As for me, I need a checklist for almost everything,apalagi its my own wedding!... I think the checklist is really important so that you won't miss anything at least with a checklist you could lessen the possibilty of forgetting some important things to prepare. So, I make a file to compile all the checklist that I think I need for the wedding. 

Oh well! I think that's it for now. ;-) ... To be continued....

The Proposal

I don't know if I am one of those hopeless romantic fella, but I always dreamt of having the most romantic and all the top proposal from my future husband. But since I've met my husband now and getting to know him, I know I have to let go of this one dream.

 

It was  two days before our wedding and we are still busy preparing this and that for our big day . I remembered feeling so stressed out, mix feelings and I keep thinking about my mother, wishing she be there on my big day, telling me what marriage would be like and walk me down the aisle together with my father.  I don't know if I can even smile on that day, maybe its written all over my face, the anger, the nervousness, the sadness, the doubts and so many other feelings I couldn't describe.

That fine day, after our meeting with the priest, we went back to my apartment to get something but before I start getting busy, He hold my shoulder and ask me to sit down. I can't even think and at that time I cant even guess what he wants to do but the moment he start kneeling in front me and holding our engagement ring, I was like "oh, my gosh, I think he going to do it". He look at me in a way I could never describe, and he start saying these to me  " I might not be the most romantic guy for you and I am sorry I don't prepare the most romantic proposal dinner as what you always dream of, but I promise you that I am going to take care and love you as long as I live, will you marry me? " It strikes at that time, watching him saying all those beautiful words to me, It wasn't the roses or the fancy candlelight's dinner that I need from him but his true love and his willingness to commit the journey of marriage together as one.

 

At that very moment, I believed this another of God's way of telling me that I have made the right decision. It's simple but too meaningful and with tears coming down to my cheek, I answered him back " Yes babe, Yes".

 

The Weekend Breakfast : Tuaran Mee

It was one of those weekend dates, instead of roaming around kk shopping complexes..and after few hours of arguing of what we are going to do or where  to go after canceling our island trip..we finally decided to go to Tuaran .. to taste the infamous Tuaran Mee... 

Technically, I never been to Tuaran town ( I mean like..purposely went there for sightseeing or food tasting..aha! ) . From Penampang to Tuaran takes about  45 minutes to an hour (According to Paul),   However, the drive that day took longer than the usual, we stumble onto an accident involving a white myvi and an old lady. Paul saw a pool of blood is draining from the lady, I just couldn't watch it.. This is the second time we came across such tragedy. Gosh!! I still can't forget the accident up until today... 

By the way, in spite of the bitter event , we continue our journey in pursue of tasting the Tuaran Mee. We reach Tuaran about 11.00 in the morning, and the first thing you will see if you reach the town were the TUARAN MEE RESTAURANT

The Tuaran Mee Haven!!

At first, we are not really sure if this was the one that people been suggesting, however, while the restaurant lady taking our orders, I overheard a few of the customers telling the other restaurant lady how they found the place and heard about the Tuaran mee from their friends..  so, we figure we went to the right place...

Slurrrrrppp!! He is enjoying his Special Tuaran Mee Soup

Special Tuaran Mee Kon Lau Style~Macam2 ada!!

Bon appetite!!

The Tuaran Mee was superb!! Paul asked for Special Tuaran Mee Soup and I asked for the Special Tuaran Mee Kon Lau style..yummy!! ;-) ... According to the lady that work in that restaurant, the mee is made by her owner..hmm I guess that the thing that make it special ..Seems every succesful food outlets has their secret ingredient which is not a mystery though. hehe. 

Since, we took such a drive for our weekend breakfast, we decided to walk around the town and see what interesting..plus, Paul wanna check out some "Pukat" around the town.. yup..my babe is so not into gadgets..but he totally indulging himself with fishing, chainsaw-ing .. glad to have a man who knows to do these man-work ... (sejuk hati...LOL)

pilih..pilih...;-)

I took a few interesting shots around the town (trip..trip guna his new baby canon!!)

The clock tower without the clock

A few old structure in Tuaran

The Igloo Shop

We left Tuaran town about 12. 40 noon and we decided touse the new road (the one that passing 1BOrneo) to "try, test, kinam" a few shots more on the way back.

 It just one of those days..spending a day with your loved ones.. cherish every moment ;-) .. Thanks to baby Canon!! there will be more travel and trip around sabah this year I guess!! Crossfinger!! ;-p

Hunter & Bubble

It was one of my regular routine in the morning..  checking up other people life's on facebook..haha..(no..la..i'm checking on my small town in Pioneer Ville (geee.. im such an addict kan)...while checking up on my work emails ..hehe..multitasking la kunun...

Then, I came across the picture posted by my gym buddy, Naisy, asking her friends to adopt the puppies left by a stranger in front of her apartment door...well, I fell in love instantly with the puppies, its been quite some time that I want one..after my Snowy left me..few months ago..oh those time...so many losses...

I couldn't resist their cuteness, so I asked for a pair. Their were trembling on their first night at my home, frighten by all the new faces kali.. they seem weak as well, so I make them some milk and feed them with ALPO ...the pair slowly become energetic... im so happy to see those pair running around in my room on that night (yeah, they sleep in my room on the first night, takut kucing cakar..hehe)

I named the all-white dog Hunter, so that it can grow stonger and the white-with-brown-patch dog..Bubble because it so round and bubbly... oh gosh!! as i'm writing this post I couldn't wait for the clock to hit the 5 o'clock...geez..i'm missing them so much.. 

Hunter & Bubble

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY HUNTER & BUBBLE !!

LetterCard from Paris

Its from Nicki !!

Thank You Nicki!! We so touched!! Hope to see you again soon!!

Enjoy Paris!!

From Both of Us 

Jean & Paul

Sunday Date; Gaya Street and Fast Five!

It was a sunny sunday.. a good day to go out and Date! haha...yep..it was one of our sunday dates! It has been ages that both of us planning to go and feel the busyness of the infamous sunday market in KK...the Gaya Street!

Photo By NewsHub

The first thing, both of us notice was the all the cutest dogs that was also on sell along the streets. we keep on arguing on which dog we want...he want the daschund and well, i prefer the spanish terrier or shih tzu...these two are way more cuter than Daschund kan...

see what i mean..hehe

adorable!!

by the way...we didnt plan to buy one now...after both of us settle with the ...wedding and house and everything that supposed to be settled first..then we figure out..which one we would take first...

there is so many things to look at in this market..ranging from wild plants to wild animals (endangered!). hmm..don't know why there is no enforcer around this market to check up things like this.Even though, I've got to praise the DBKK effort in making KK as a litter free area. There were dustbins along the streets.Good One!

After two hours of walking and enjoying our time in the market, we decided its time to go... but before we leave the market ..we bring some souvenirs for ourself too!

;-p

The Hat..it only cost both of us RM35...thanks to my bargaining ability...hahaha

aha! after that both of us decided to go for a movie...to cool off some of the heat...haha...non-other than Fast and Furious Five...been waiting for him to come back then baru can watch this movie...well! Enuf said..the movie was a great one! awesomeness! kewl! and all the nice stuff la...and our seats were 3 and 4 F...huh! too many F'ssss since last night...hehe...

these people are just so hot!

 In a nutshell... i indeed have such a fabulous weekends with my love ones!!

Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

It has been 120 days since you left us. we miss you so much and things getting harder each day but don't worry mother, we will be fine, we will cope like you always show us.

There so many things and so many words i wanna say to you, i believe otto and eping does too. I always thought I have the time and never once crossed my mind that you will leave us so soon. the truth is, It was in my mind  that you will be there on my wedding and you will be to guide me on having my first child. I thought I will be hearing you yelling at me for not know how to give bath to my baby or you will be lecturing on house chores that often I am so lazy to work on. I stiil hope this all was only a dream, every morning since you left was the worse time of my life. Sometimes, i purposely wake up late so that I might hear you knock my door and woke me up like you always did. Sometimes, I miss to hear you commenting on how I dress up, asking when will i be home, telling me to do things properly and all those stuff you have been doing for years. All in all, I miss your voice, Mother.

I know I might not be a good daughter to you, I am sorry for being so rude to you, for being so reckless in taking care of you. My best is might not good enough since I cant make you stay with us longer. I am sorry for not fulfilling most of the promises that i've made to you. If you ever read this, I just wanna tell you, that I am proud to be your daughter, I am what I am today, its all because of you. You are the greatest mother, I could ever wish for. Thank you mother, thank you for giving me your undying love even at times, I dont deserve it. I will wait until the time has come, for us to be together again. I love you, Mother. Happy Mother's Day Mak...

Your Daughter

Anak

 one of the last picture we have taken together.

MY SO-CALLED GREECIAN ENGAGEMENT PARTY!!

With a big smile on my face...i'm proudly annoucing that i'm engaged!! I still couldn't get over it..finally after 5 years and 4 months ..we're finally taken our first step in leading our life in togetherness..yikes ...

It was indeed a wonderful day for both of us. Our families and friends came with white/gold apparel and the white lining flowing wih the wind around my garage ... plus red roses embracing the garage poll..it was so much alike in the greecian movie..Thanks to Jeffie Jeff (Sabah Make-up Artist), a close friend of mine with an extraordinary talents in makeup/arts. A big hugs to Elaina Sukaimi (Sabah Fashion Designer), for the gorgeous greek-goddess inspired dress... I owe you both!!

I totally love this!!

The ceremony started at 11.00 a.m and gosh! I was trembling and keep on asking my sisters and cousins to check up the situations since i was held prisoner in my own room...haha...finally after about 30-40 minutes negotiating..they finally came to an agreement and i was called out...aha!! dag dig dug...i felt like all eyes was on me..aiseh...hehe.. 

 we were playing diva alike in my room while waiting for the moment...ehe

He putting The ring on my hand!! waa!!

Finally!! im official become Paulbian Fiancee.. now the girlfriend status removed... i know im gloating but i can't help it..haha.. after the cutting cake ceremony everybody pretty much having their fun karaoke-ing, drinking and dancing!! I am glad that my guest were having their fun day at our party! There so much things to tell but this time i just let the pictures do the story-telling ya!! 

the Paul & Jean Clan

 despite all odds..my best friend  (Oscar Dousin) for more than 13 years came.

Our Special Thanks Goes to Oscar Dousin, Fedilis Francis,
Jeffie Jeff, Elaina Sukaimi ( Nina Elaina Designs ), David Chang,

Alexander Verus, Audrie Francis and Xieela Pinus 

for making our e-day GREEK!!

More Beautiful Picture ;

By David Chang, AramaiTii, Videography Photography  

By Fedilis Francis

Makeup By Jeff

10 Reasons For Chics to Come EarLy to wOrk

1. No need to rush things. More relax.

2. Have time to plan your worK for the daY. Set your taBle niceLy.

3. Free from the morning guilt for not waking up early and coming in late.

4. yoU arrive earlier than the boss and that might leave you a good impression is it. (Manatau ada ehem..ehem...LOL~~)- I mean promotions ah..don't think yg susuVai~~

5. you have time to go breaKfast with yoUr colleaGues and sharE the moRning stOry..(Ok..this one is baD..but sometime we need to know things kan...)

6. you havE time to touch-up your make-up, hair, dress ka...hehe...(when we feel good, we do our work better i guess)

7. Avoid the sarcastic/curious look or unwanted comments from your colleagues for coming in late. (Nanti Kena TeguR...Bad mood Lagi kan..haishh)

8. CamWhoring!! tHis is the time kunU...manataW trIp lawa tue Hari..time to take your own pic...(ShaRe sama Si Bf kunu..or...non-other than the reknown FB)

9. You can go oNline...to those weBsite yanG restricted during woRking Hour a.k.a you have extra 15-30 mins FacebookIng and Give yOur morNing greeTs to EveryOne.

10. you Can updatE your Blog (Duhh..MacaM saYa update Blog~~)LOL~~

The Twilight's Saga :: Eclipse

Okay..this month is all about mUvees...what can i do..im a movie freak...honestly..im helpless when it comes to movie..i can just sit and eat and watch for hours even for days...haha..another obsession eh....bh enuf on that....so this time..Its non other than The Cullen's ..and ya..ya...Jacob...Hahaha...

Honestly, i love the Saga's but then when it comes to movie..i think it doesnt fascinate me well as its in the books. The first one was ok...then came the second one...i fall asleep ok..i never fall asleep when i went for a movie..so thats figure la kan...Boring Tahap Gaban...then yesterday, i went for the third one...it was ok..not so bad but not that good either...

For rM8 and 1hR and dunno how many minutes, all i get from this moVie is repetition of kisses...duhhh...its different when you actually read the book...you will understand the tense between all those kisses and why it is happening...

so basically..the movie was just okay but it might not be my first one in the list to watch...i've been wanting to watch INCEPTION actually..huh!! I dunno it was already playing yesterday..i didnt saw it...i feel so damn sayang ne..i watch twilight instead of this...

hmmm...in spite of all the bad critics from me...i totally love the part in the movie when, Jacob went in the tent and say to Edward "Besides, I'm hotter than you"...waaa...statement!!!!.... hahaha...I love that....apa-apapun...NEXT MOVIE ON TARGET; INCEPTION~~~

Bad June

June is ending...so as my unemployed life..its officially two months I've been waiting to end this sedentary life of mine... for the whole month...i havent been writing anything...my lappie crush at the very time i needed it....duhhh...I come to think that all my bad lucks accumulate in June...ugghh..so many things so many problems happen..one by one came by...its too personal and I'm too embarrassed to even mention...how can a person you love and adore so much turn to a person that you don't even want to know...the trust and respect are degrading no matter how you try it avoid it...at this point my heart is sinking and I'm stuck between two person i love most...every single moment of my life now..i pray that this thing will go away..I pray that the Good Lord open my heart for my forgiveness..open their heart for forgiveness and open the persons heart to us once more...God teach us love is about forgiveness...and I hope that strength to love and respect that person once more...I am trying hard to believe that every problem has its own solutions and it's only a matter of time for it to show up...

~~the emotions haunting me are simply indescribably~~

The Fairytale Story That Isnt One!

Once upon a time, on a Saturday not so far away from the Penampang district...a couple was sitting in a Park or maybe its not a park, a field maybe called Padang Merdeka (i don't know if i get the name right, don't remember really).Their were talking, discussing apparently on the subject of buying houses or if possible, buying lands to built their dream house...it was sweet..i mean in a way that both are showing/preparing themselves to those kind of commitment..yep..that couple was me and him...we were attending the property fairs held by the SPNB..because we were planning to settle down with the roof on our heads before the day that we say "I Do" to each other...others might think this was too early...but that was always in my plan since high school i guess..if i ever getting married..that guy must posses a house, a car and a life insurance of course...it does sound materialistic isnt it..but..im not asking for a villa, a Ferrari or even any of those luxurious thingy...i am asking for the essentials..the essentials that what i think i need to feel secure enough start a life together with some other person...

a newlywed need a house to have a room to have their very own bed so that they can groan and moan all night long without have to worry their might woke up other people..hahaha..nah this is only of the big reasons..there is a lot of other reasons...well...our elders might perceive cars as a luxury aspects of life but that particular view might not went well on these days...we unfortunately needs this to make a living, for emergency..and for a lot of other reasons i might not have ti list it here...while for the life insurance..ahaha..thats is only precautionary action..we never expect what life bring...life must have been good but it might flip coin to the other side.... well. what i write here was not practically involved in our conversations...mostly we were talking about the mortgage rates for the house we wanna or we planning to have..and all the other budgets we need to think of in the coming year...the things that both of us have to limit to get the life we want...haha..especially me...no surprise there huh...and then suddenly during our talks...i shrugged and say this to him "Life is Hard" and then he smile and say to me "there you are, you have grown up my baby" ahahahaha...No la..that what i want him to say...its like those dialogue in the hopeless-romantic kinda movie would have say..what he actually say was..."Ko sedar suda sayang"...yes..it is with smile...hahaha..not so romantic kan...but bulihlah...when you are in love everything is sweet even though sometimes its salty...haha whoa...guess its enough to say that i will not be getting my dream honeymoon in Paris and the kiss under the Eiffel Tower sooner...someday hopefully...but apparently nothing of those really matter does it when you finally know what you are committing to..a life with a person you truly love..sometimes it is not only what you want it to be but it is what the "US" want to be like...well..that very conversations end with lunch and a dress...hahaha...(I think i might use my time now to enjoy my no compromising era for the better things first).... Nope....eventhough its start with "Once Upon a Time" this one certainly will not end "Happily Ever After" this time...However...I wish for it to be "Forever and Always Be Happy".... one of my favorite fairytale-ever CINDERELLA -The End~

She-Roes

Its Mother's Day again...often i forgot this day..the last card i give to her if I'm not mistaken when i was 10...i make this card specially for her...telling that i love her...and so...i still do..but i figure when you grow older..the word love is kinda hard to say is it..or it just me...i always think someday or somehow she knows that i love her..and i do appreciate all the things she does for me... that's what i think...i have time...but last October really hit me hard... My mother were diagnosed with cancer...stomach cancer to be exact...all this while we thought it was gastric pain..it never occurred to me that this such thing will happen to her...if you have known my mother..she is one strong woman...i never see her cry..never did..no matter how hard life is..how painful it is..she go through..back then when life quite hard for us..if she had to walk to fetch us..she will walk..she do everything at home...she doesnt work..she is a classic housewife...she clean. she cook...every little things until...somehow i felt..the three of us were the luckiest children in the world..she pampered us but in different kind of way... she hadn't call me the day she were diagnosed..instead a week after that day, i called to ask her and simply with no so ever emotion she say "Doktor Cakap...kanser" then i replied "Hah"...somehow i wish i was deaf or maybe i hope my mum were just playing around..then she say again "Kanser"....there it was...the word that i never would have guess came out to my life...it was a long silence again..until my mum ask me "kenapa diam?" but at the time..that very moment..i felt tears on my cheek...i couldn't speak or say anything...i couldnt stand...i feel so afraid...and then i know i cant show that I'm weak..because i need her to be strong as she always be...i know if i cried in front of her...I'm afraid she will too..so i hold my voice..try to sound as calm as possible...i say to her "Tedalah Ma, nanti kita bincang lagi..saya ada hal jap..nanti saya kol lagi" ...then she simply answer " bha, kc siap la keja ko dulu"...the moment we say bye and i put off the phone...i burst out into tears...i sat there..in front of my laboratory and i cried.. At that time, i really need to talk..just so that i could put myself back together..i called Him, and he was shocked..i guess with my tearful and trembling voice...no hye or hey..i said "darling, you know what..mummy saya got cancer...she got cancer"...i don't remember the rest what Ive said to him...but i remember that i keep saying "she got cancer"...and mostly i cried...he just hear me out..he was also speechless..he just say let it out first... That very day, i cancel all my work and i go back to my dorm early..and yes..the tears couldn't stop..i think Ive been crying the whole day until i fell asleep..i called her that night and then we talk about it..i ask her what the doctor wanna do about it..she say "dia suruh bedah, tapi ma xmaw".. i kept silent only..part of myself are rejecting the facts that my mother were sick...that she ask me again "kanapa diam?"..then i replied..."saya cuba tanya kawan2 sama tue supervisor saya dulu..apa maw buat..nanti saya balik..kita tgk macammana"...then she say "bha"..the conversation end short that night. There it was, the day that the fight begin..the day that make me realized...that i dont have all the time to tell her i love her...the day that make me think..that i might not have the chance to repay her...feeling sorry and crying wouldn't help...since that day until now i try my very best to show her that i care for her...not only on designated Mother's day..but everyday... if Heroes in myth legend is define as a man of great strength and courage, favored by the gods and in part descended from them, often regarded as a half-god and worshiped after his death well...Our Mother is a She-roes...a woman of great strength and courage, favored by the God and in fact descended from God to take care of us...and of course she will always be in our heart...Remembered and Cherished Until the end of time...

Prayer; O Dear Lord, Thank you for giving me chance to feel the great love from her, give my Mother a strong heart and strong faith to keep her moving on, Lessen her burden..if it must be..let me be the one to face it for her...May her heart always at peace...Amen.

Our first picture..after she finish her chemo..

Nuestro Primer Concierto

Michael Learns to Rock Concert was our first concert together

it was among the best night ever, the songs and him.. It was perfect and there is nothing that i would ever wanted, than to be with him forever The Tickets 'The performers..honestly i am incapable of remembering the singers name no matter how fanatic i am towards them..hahahaha.... ...actually i always thought all the band member names were Michael.... I love when he do that thing he do ;-p Bluekkk...:-p ...It just you and me... with Tantinie...met her after the concert... on our way home....MMMmwah~~

The Day That He Woke Me Up at 7am

Today for the first time, since i came back to Bntulu, i woke up at 7am. Haha..of course..the alarm clock doesn't help me at all...its a call from him that make me awake...i don't know why..I'm but guessing I'm highly sensitive towards anything about him..well..like most people would say when you so much in love with one person..your world basically evolve around him...it seems everything else is so numb when he is around...i usually use the word pink...i mean when me and him are together..it feels like I'm in the pink zone. Everything so sweet, lovely, flowery like as if there is no wars in this world...Haha..others might find this absurd..but i don't really cares...if i do silly things i do it for him...if just if it may turn around not the way i want..i shouldn't regret cause i've made the decision. Back to the point...why on earth that i woke that early in the morning...just because i want to attend the academic seminar held by the faculty...i've been waiting for this seminar since my first semester..but it never being held...i think this seminar is an essential to begin life as a graduate student...eventhough i so keen to participate in this seminar.. I'd only able to be fully awake for the first talk..by the second one..i already fall Zzzzzz....haha...the whole seminar were basically interesting...I gained some knowledge and he sacrifices by waking early to wake me up is definitely paid..at least this make me love him more...bluekkk...*wink* CIAO BELLA~~